Releasing Your Expectations of Others

"When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be."

It's often said that expectations will kill relationships. I couldn't agree more with that statement. When you go into any kind of situation with expectations, you're more than likely to be disappointed. Everyone goes through life with a different perception. Your experience is not someone else's and when you encounter a situation, the responses may be a world apart. I've been doing some research on expectations and how it effects us and I can say that I have definitely learned a lot..

"Beginners Mind" in the Zen tradition is called Shoshin. It basically means that we should approach every new situation with an empty cup. If you walk into a situation with a full cup, you have no ability to receive what is coming to you. When we release this sense of  'knowing', it allows us to see the situation for what it really is. This also prevents us from projecting our ego into the situation. No matter how similar this situation looks to you from another you have had, look at it as brand new. If every situation is new, then we can hold no expectations. You have no idea what will happen so you just "wait and see". This allows us to be more open to whatever is to come. If we walk into a situation with expectations, we often end up interfering with ourselves or getting in our own way because we already predetermined what is going to happen often causing immense problems with whatever is on the other end.  

I think some expectations are reasonable in every relationship. For example, expecting not to be lied to, betrayed, or cheated on is not up for debate. Having your partner love you the way you need to be loved is also not up for debate. Everyone should expect this in their friend/romantic relationships. The main thing we have to do is really try and understand the people in our lives. Is your person more of an introvert and you're an extrovert? What kind of temperament do they have? Are you a more public person on social media and your partner is more private about your relationship? These things are important to know about people and that there are simply times that you can't expect them to be anything other than what they are. This especially applies to your family members. I wouldn't want to suggest disowning any of your family, but you need to know when someone is not going to change and adjust your expectations accordingly. You may find that you need to distance yourself in order to reclaim your sanity and to prevent any drama from ensuing.  

In my own experience, I am beginning to learn to release my expectations of the people in my life. For example, if I approach a new romantic interest with no expectations, this leaves room for the truth and reality to come out without me investing much of myself into the situation. It seems that is a good way to avoid a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. I can think of a few situations that had I handled it this way, the outcome could have been a lot different. 

In my friendships, I have tried to release expectations as well. Because I am single, this puts more emphasis on friendships in my life. I guess you would call me a more "needy" friend (compared to others my age) because I am single. I have no one else to spend time with. I have a few people whom I consider my best friends. I know if I really needed them that they would be there for me. However, there is a certain type of friendship that I need that I don't get from any of them. That doesn't mean in any way that I don't want them in my life. It just means that what I need is not what they can provide. It often has a lot to do with being in different stages of life and having different personality types. In the future I hope I can meet a friend who needs/wants the same thing out of friendship as me. The point I am trying to make is that everyone has a different definition of what friendship means and what exactly they are willing to invest into their relationships. You have to adjust (or drop completely) your expectations sometimes. If you have friends who don't fit these needs, then either you need to accept them as they are or you need to walk away before you start feeling resentful towards them for not supplying what you need. 

A perfect example is my friend Malina. We have been friends since we were 6 years old. We are in our 30's now. Until we were in our late teens, we did everything together. We were inseparable. Then life happens. She got married and had kids and the whole dynamic of our friendship changed. We grew apart, came back together, grew apart again and so on. Because I was single, my life was vastly different from hers. If I expected her to travel with me or go party with me every weekend, that would have caused problems since that is not realistic for her as she has a family to take care of. As the years went by I had to lose my expectations of what I thought our friendship should be. It was no longer parties, dinner, going out, and long nights. Now it is random conversations through text and hardly ever seeing each other, but that's okay. As we grow older our lives change and so should our expectations of others. Because I was able to release my expectations of our friendship, I felt a lot better about it and it also made me cherish the time that we did spend together. 

I would encourage everyone reading this to think about the people in your life and what expectations you have of them. Are there some expectations that you should let go of? Or is there a relationship that you'd be better off getting rid of completely? Think about what is realistic and what you could possibly compromise on. 

"If you align your expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed."