No More Debates With Unenlightened People

I’ve often thought of myself as highly political. I enjoy a good debate and am fully invested in what is going on in our country, both politically and socially. The last month though, has brought about a new perspective. At least in the way I choose to handle it.

Call it a spiritual awakening if you will. I’ve come to realize that each person living on earth is in their own reality. They are experiencing life in their own way, through their own experiences and perception. Until someone reaches a point where they are ready to wake up and see reality for what it is, even if it isn’t THEIR reality, I am no longer going to waste my time or breath.

Lets use the ‘kneeling during the anthem’ debate as an example. On side A you have a black man who agrees with kneeling during the anthem to shed light on racial injustice in America and Police brutality. Maybe he knows someone who was killed by police officers unjustly. He has an emotional attachment to racial injustice. Are his feelings valid? Is he legitimate in his concerns and fear? Of course he is.

On side B you have a father who lost his son in a war. When he sees the American flag or hears the national anthem, he immediately associates that with his son. The son that died protecting this country and its citizens. He has an emotional attachment to the flag, the song and an ideal of this country. Are his feelings valid? Of course they are.

Both of these individuals are emotionally invested. There is clearly nothing wrong with emotions. The issue arises when our emotions overtake our common sense. If person A begins calling all cops pigs and that they all deserve to die and person B begins denying that there is racial injustice in this country and that they just need to ‘get over it’.. that is where the problems begin. No one, regardless of where you fall on this discussion, has a right to tell someone that their feelings are not valid. We do not get to tell someone that what we experienced is worse than what they experienced. The ironic thing about this is that both of these men have so much in common, yet they can’t seem to walk in the others shoes.

Another issue is we like to speak for everyone to prove our personal point. Newsflash: not all blacks agree with kneeling. Not all whites disagree with it. Some cops agree, some don’t. Some veterans agree and some don’t. What does that tell you? At the end of the day all of these people that we like to put into groups are actually individual people with their own thoughts, opinions and perceptions. So when you find yourself speaking for a group of people, try to stop yourself. If your concern is that no kneeling should happen during the anthem because it’s offensive to veterans, stop and think about what I mentioned above. You can’t speak for all veterans because they have their own individual opinions. Just admit that it is YOUR opinion and you are bothered by it. Lets all stop being so sanctimonious about it and just admit that WE have a problem with it because WE have an emotional attachment to the issue. On the flip side, if you think that all black people should agree with kneeling, you need to admit to yourself that YOU are emotionally invested in issues of racism and that is YOUR issue, not theirs. Some black people do not process things the way that you do or maybe they have never experienced racism the way you have.

The biggest problem that I see in this country is the inability to reach across the aisle and see another’s perspective. I have gotten in many heated debates over this exact issue. Everyone is on their own personal growth journey in this life. We all reach wisdom at different ages. When someone is ready to reach a level of enlightenment they will, and not a minute sooner. I made a personal decision that I will not be engaging in anymore discussions on any issue unless I know the person I am speaking with can meet me in the middle. I no longer have the desire to talk to brick walls or unintentionally cause damage to relationships that I care deeply about. I know exactly who in my life I can have these conversations with and who I cannot. I also choose not to debate strangers because I do not know them or how they will react.. so I choose not to go there. The only thing I am responsible for is myself. I am no longer interested in trying to make anyone understand. People understand on their own terms and in their own time.

What would be best for all of us is to learn how to look at these situations objectively. Take your emotions and attachments out of it and see it for what it is. In the kneeling situation, athletes have a right to protest peacefully. It is protected under the law. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with that or not, it is the law.. that is what separates us from a Fascist state. Also, racial injustice does exist. On the other hand, just because you are black and you’ve had a bad experience with Police, it doesn’t mean that you should group them all as evil and try to have them harmed. There are wonderful cops out there who do wonderful things in their community. They truly know the meaning of ‘protect and serve’. Both of these far left and right extremes is what causes so much division between us. 

I’d like to challenge everyone to really consider what you are choosing to invest your time in. If you know a person is not ready to meet you in the middle of any debate, choose to avoid the discussion altogether. If you are passionate about something and know that the other person is not ready to receive the other side of reality, leave it be. We are not responsible for other people’s journeys, only our own. Lets stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution. Learn how to love each other more because all we really want is to be understood.

The Need for Justice

I read an excerpt from a book on someone's Instagram story recently that said justice is a human need and is not something that is actually realistic here on earth. Meaning that as humans, we have a need to seek justice and sometimes that need isn't met.

It made me think about how true that is. We spend our whole lives going through different situations saying, "I can't wait till they get what they deserve!".."They're going to pay for this!!". Our criminal court and political system is a perfect example of this.

Realistically, this isn't entirely possible. Look at everything that is going on today. Will there be justice for the children who were molested by catholic priests? No. Will all people in power be held accountable for their actions, even when their choices negatively impact other people? No. Will there be justice for all rapes/murders/kidnappings? No. Will world leaders that take their countries into unnecessary wars that kill thousands be held accountable? No.

Don't get me wrong, it's always good to fight for what's right. Sadly, there are some battles that we cannot win. For example, Kavanaugh will undoubtedly become the next supreme court justice. Does he deserve that distinguished title after all we have learned about him as a person? Absolutely not. Will he get it? Of course he will because money and power have overtaken our society. Political parties have become more important than supporting those who have been victimized. As if in all of America, this is the only candidate that is qualified. Look at how some people have treated Dr. Ford. How they have mocked and made fun of a sexual assault victim. If you are the type of person who likes justice, this situation might drive you crazy if you let it.

In order for those of us that actually care about people to have a life of inner peace, we must understand that there are some battles that we won't be able to win. We have to accept that there are people out there who will get away with anything because of the advantages they were born with. We have to accept that there are people who will never have the capacity to put themselves in another's shoes. This is disheartening at times, but at the end of the day we only have control over ourselves. Whatever we can do individually to make the world a better and more loving place, that IS our responsibility. It starts in our communities, in our families.

Choose love. Choose understanding.

Releasing Your Expectations of Others

"When you release expectations, you are free to enjoy things for what they are instead of what you think they should be."

It's often said that expectations will kill relationships. I couldn't agree more with that statement. When you go into any kind of situation with expectations, you're more than likely to be disappointed. Everyone goes through life with a different perception. Your experience is not someone else's and when you encounter a situation, the responses may be a world apart. I've been doing some research on expectations and how it effects us and I can say that I have definitely learned a lot..

"Beginners Mind" in the Zen tradition is called Shoshin. It basically means that we should approach every new situation with an empty cup. If you walk into a situation with a full cup, you have no ability to receive what is coming to you. When we release this sense of  'knowing', it allows us to see the situation for what it really is. This also prevents us from projecting our ego into the situation. No matter how similar this situation looks to you from another you have had, look at it as brand new. If every situation is new, then we can hold no expectations. You have no idea what will happen so you just "wait and see". This allows us to be more open to whatever is to come. If we walk into a situation with expectations, we often end up interfering with ourselves or getting in our own way because we already predetermined what is going to happen often causing immense problems with whatever is on the other end.  

I think some expectations are reasonable in every relationship. For example, expecting not to be lied to, betrayed, or cheated on is not up for debate. Having your partner love you the way you need to be loved is also not up for debate. Everyone should expect this in their friend/romantic relationships. The main thing we have to do is really try and understand the people in our lives. Is your person more of an introvert and you're an extrovert? What kind of temperament do they have? Are you a more public person on social media and your partner is more private about your relationship? These things are important to know about people and that there are simply times that you can't expect them to be anything other than what they are. This especially applies to your family members. I wouldn't want to suggest disowning any of your family, but you need to know when someone is not going to change and adjust your expectations accordingly. You may find that you need to distance yourself in order to reclaim your sanity and to prevent any drama from ensuing.  

In my own experience, I am beginning to learn to release my expectations of the people in my life. For example, if I approach a new romantic interest with no expectations, this leaves room for the truth and reality to come out without me investing much of myself into the situation. It seems that is a good way to avoid a lot of heartbreak and disappointment. I can think of a few situations that had I handled it this way, the outcome could have been a lot different. 

In my friendships, I have tried to release expectations as well. Because I am single, this puts more emphasis on friendships in my life. I guess you would call me a more "needy" friend (compared to others my age) because I am single. I have no one else to spend time with. I have a few people whom I consider my best friends. I know if I really needed them that they would be there for me. However, there is a certain type of friendship that I need that I don't get from any of them. That doesn't mean in any way that I don't want them in my life. It just means that what I need is not what they can provide. It often has a lot to do with being in different stages of life and having different personality types. In the future I hope I can meet a friend who needs/wants the same thing out of friendship as me. The point I am trying to make is that everyone has a different definition of what friendship means and what exactly they are willing to invest into their relationships. You have to adjust (or drop completely) your expectations sometimes. If you have friends who don't fit these needs, then either you need to accept them as they are or you need to walk away before you start feeling resentful towards them for not supplying what you need. 

A perfect example is my friend Malina. We have been friends since we were 6 years old. We are in our 30's now. Until we were in our late teens, we did everything together. We were inseparable. Then life happens. She got married and had kids and the whole dynamic of our friendship changed. We grew apart, came back together, grew apart again and so on. Because I was single, my life was vastly different from hers. If I expected her to travel with me or go party with me every weekend, that would have caused problems since that is not realistic for her as she has a family to take care of. As the years went by I had to lose my expectations of what I thought our friendship should be. It was no longer parties, dinner, going out, and long nights. Now it is random conversations through text and hardly ever seeing each other, but that's okay. As we grow older our lives change and so should our expectations of others. Because I was able to release my expectations of our friendship, I felt a lot better about it and it also made me cherish the time that we did spend together. 

I would encourage everyone reading this to think about the people in your life and what expectations you have of them. Are there some expectations that you should let go of? Or is there a relationship that you'd be better off getting rid of completely? Think about what is realistic and what you could possibly compromise on. 

"If you align your expectations with reality, you will never be disappointed."

5 Ways That You Can Help Others..

"The smallest act of kindness is worth more than the grandest intention." - Oscar Wilde

I felt compelled to write this post. As you go through life and deal with the numerous problems that come your way, we often forget how good we have it compared to other people. We get so lost in our own difficulties, that we forget the horrible things going on around us. Everyday we encounter people who need our help. 

Here are my top 5 favorite ways to help others:

1.  Blessing Bags → This is an idea that I found on Pinterest a couple years ago. I immediately knew it was something I had to do. How many times do we pass by homeless people? Sure, we don't know their story but regardless, they have fallen on hard times and a little help would go a long way. The idea is to provide them with some basic necessities to make life more comfortable. You will need gallon sized ziplock bags and some items to fill them. I filled mine with a toothbrush, toothpaste, tylenol, snacks, hand sanitizer, wipes, deodorant, socks, bottled water, and chapstick. You can even throw in a note of encouragement if you'd like. Keep a few in your car. That way if you see someone living on the street, you can pass one along. I think I spent a whopping $30 to make 5 bags. Dollar Tree is your friend here lol 

Here are the packages I made..

2. Suitcases for Foster Kids → This one is new to me. I had no idea this was an issue and I'm ashamed to say that I had never really even thought about it. At my last job, I worked with a woman who was a foster parent. She explained the frustration of foster kids not having proper suitcases to store their belongings in. These kids are often shuffled from house to house with their belongings thrown in a garbage bag. How terribly sad is that? I knew at that point I needed to take action. I made a post on Facebook and I couldn't believe the response. With the help of some of my wonderful friends (and mother), we were able to donate 30 suitcases/containers for Thomasville's area foster kids. So go find a foster parent and donate that suitcase you never use! 

3. Battered Women Shelters → This one is special to me as well. I have never been in a physically abusive relationship, but I can only imagine the fear that comes with trying to leave. Look up local women's shelters in your area. Donate donate donate. They need clothes, kids toys, kids clothes, household items, etc. Most of these women are only able to leave with what's on their backs. They will need these items for a new start. Before I moved to California, I donated 2 large boxes of stuff to Halcyon Home and they were so appreciative! Halcyon home donates items to victims, but they also have a store that people can shop at to raise money for the victims. I'm sure other shelters have similar programs. 

4. Pay for the person behind you → This one is a classic, but definitely one of my favorites. This happened to me once. I was having a particularly bad day, then the person ahead of me in the drive thru paid for my meal. It changed my entire day! This is a small, yet touching gesture. 

5. Redirect Gifts → This one I have not done yet (as I don't get that many gifts these days lol), but in the future I would love to do this with my child. Instead of your child getting hundreds of dollars in gifts they don't really need (let's be honest here lol), encourage them to get passionate for a cause and direct all of their party guests to donate to that cause. Examples could be bringing dog food & supplies for your local animal shelter or canned goods for the local food bank. Not only is this a good learning experience for your child, but all the other children in attendance as well. Everyone wins and everyone still gets cake!

Obviously there are so many more good deeds you can do. We don't have to always make things about ourselves, but lets be honest, we feel good when we help others! What are some of your favorite acts of kindness??