Our Story

In honor of Thanksgiving, I thought I would share mine & Heath's story. It's what I am most thankful for right now. It's also my favorite story, but I am a bit biased.. 

Heath and I met 12 years ago through a mutual friend. We hit it off and became best friends instantly. The kicker is that throughout the whole time we were best friends, I never felt anything for him. No feelings and no sexual attraction. As I sit here thinking about my life with him now I wonder, how can you not be attracted to someone for over a decade and suddenly feel something for them?? This puzzles me to this day. 

Our friendship was nothing short of amazing. We could talk for hours, told each other our relationship problems, got drunk together and partied way too hard. I confided in him with my boy problems and he confided in me with his girl problems. I met girls he was seeing and he met guys I was seeing. We spent a lot of time together. Of course things happen, things change and we drifted apart. I was in relationships, moved, etc. and he got married and had a kid. We didn't speak for a while because certain people weren't too keen on the idea. They thought we were way too close. We were both a threat to others, though we never saw it as such. 

Fast forward to now. He reached out to me and I decided I'd go hang out with him because I really missed him and the friendship we had with each other. Little did I know what would come of those few visits. After us hanging out the second time, I started feeling things towards him that were way out of normalcy for me. I denied it, told myself I had just been single too long, and also thought I was losing my mind. I decided that I would say nothing to him about how I felt. I didn't want to ruin our friendship, so I would just take some time and see how/if he responded. Then to my relief, he confessed his feelings for me on our next visit, which to my shock had been there the whole time we'd been friends. I had no clue. He never said anything about it and honestly, that's what I respect so much about him. Even though he cared for me as more than a friend, he never pressured me or made me feel guilty for dating other people. He was just.. my friend. A friend that I desperately needed at that time. 

Since then we have become intimate, moved in together, and started building a life together. Honestly, I've never felt more loved or more safe. I know when he tells me something, that he's telling me the truth. I know that when we aren't together, he's being faithful. I know that if I am wrong or being a bitch, he's going to let me know it. The fact that we were best friends for so long has given us such an amazing foundation. We trust each other, we respect each other, and we know how to have fun with each other. It is the best relationship I could ever ask for. Is he who I thought I would end up with? Absolutely not. The fact that he was right under my nose all these years is not lost on me, but we both know that things had to happen the way they did for a reason. Even though we are such a great couple now, I don't think we would have been then. We both needed to grow in certain areas. Our relationship is really easy because we have grown into better versions of ourselves and we have the advantage of friendship. As always.. timing is EVERYTHING. 

As I mentioned before, this whole thing still baffles me. I am constantly amazed at how things always work out the way they should. If you would have told me that Heath was the man I'd end up with, I would have laughed right in your face. Though, if you ask certain people in our lives.. they'd tell you that they saw this coming from a mile away. Let's just say there were a lot of "I told you so's", "FINALLY!", and "I KNEW IT!" from our friends. 

So needless to say, I am very thankful for how things have worked out. I couldn't imagine a more loving and fun relationship to be in. My life is so different than what I thought it would be. I was actually planning on moving out of state in January, but now I am here and living my best life with my best friend. 

That's OK with me :-)

Maintaining Healthy Relationships

Along with everything else in life that we have to maintain, relationships with friends, family and acquaintances are usually way up on the priority list. 

In my personal journey of trying to be a better human being, I know that I’m far from where I’d like to be. There are still things that make me angry, sad, hurt, confused, etc. The amount of situations that life throws at you can derail you off your path real quick. I’ve found that relationships with others can be difficult if we are not mindful of where we (and they) are at. 

These are some things to consider when managing your relationships:

1. Check Your Expectations

I think a lot of relationships fail (both romantic and non-romantic) because of our expectations of the other person. For example, if you have an idea in your head of what your relationship with your sister or brother should be like, you are setting yourself up for disappointment. What happens when your sibling doesn't do and say exactly the things you want them to do and say? You will be offended, upset, annoyed, etc. because you saw something on t.v. or know someone who has a certain type of relationship with their sibling, so now you expect the same. We need to understand that our expectations are just that, ours. Your sibling is their own individual person and your expectations will never change that. Avoid the disappointment and make sure you are being realistic. So basically, we have to love and accept people even if the idea of them in our head doesn’t match who they really are. 

2. See Them As Just Human

We often give ourselves way more leniency than we are willing to offer to other people. When you find yourself getting frustrated at someone, remember that they are human, just like you. While sometimes you won't be able to justify someone's actions, you can empathize with them in that they are a flawed human being, not someone who is intentionally out to hurt you. I've seen too many relationships crumble because one person thinks their feelings are more important than another. Or someone wants to hang on to something that they themselves are guilty of. We are all flawed so it's important to give leniency just as you would like to receive it in return. 

3. See Things From Their Perspective

The easiest way to achieve world peace (in my opinion!) would be if we all learned to master the art of putting ourselves in another's shoes. Only then do we cut people slack when something happens that bothers us. There are numerous reasons why people act the way that they do. It could be their childhood, past relationships, trauma.. whatever it might be, it changes and molds a person. This of course isn’t a justification for bad behavior.. so many of us lash out in response to whatever is going on (or has went on). Often times even the most enlightened among us have moments where something can trigger them and they say or do something that they later regret. We have to meet people where they are and sometimes that person may not be where you think they should be, but that's where grace should be given. Personal development is a life-long process and it doesn’t go by your time clock.  

4. View Your Relationships As Fluid

As with everything in life, relationships are constantly changing. Many of us aren't friends with the same people we were friends with 10 years ago and that's okay. Having fluid relationships means that they can come and they can go, their roles can change, and also how we relate to each other. Learning to let go of how we thought it should be is often hard, but it's for the best. This is another example of managing your expectations and being realistic about the situation. Many friendships drift apart because of life changes. One of you is going in this direction and the other is going in another. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with either of you, it just means that your paths are different. This is nothing to be upset about. New relationships can be built at any moment. Old relationships can also be made new at a later time. 

We should all work to be more mindful of how we treat others and also mindful of our personal triggers and behavior. Learning to pause and reflect on what is bothering us, while being careful not to take it out on someone else. However, we also need to remember that communication is key in solving most conflicts and keeping relationships on good terms.. communication over reaction. If someone respects and cares about you, communicating your concerns should always help more than it should hurt. 

Communication is the catalyst for change! 

No More Debates With Unenlightened People

I’ve often thought of myself as highly political. I enjoy a good debate and am fully invested in what is going on in our country, both politically and socially. The last month though, has brought about a new perspective. At least in the way I choose to handle it.

Call it a spiritual awakening if you will. I’ve come to realize that each person living on earth is in their own reality. They are experiencing life in their own way, through their own experiences and perception. Until someone reaches a point where they are ready to wake up and see reality for what it is, even if it isn’t THEIR reality, I am no longer going to waste my time or breath.

Lets use the ‘kneeling during the anthem’ debate as an example. On side A you have a black man who agrees with kneeling during the anthem to shed light on racial injustice in America and Police brutality. Maybe he knows someone who was killed by police officers unjustly. He has an emotional attachment to racial injustice. Are his feelings valid? Is he legitimate in his concerns and fear? Of course he is.

On side B you have a father who lost his son in a war. When he sees the American flag or hears the national anthem, he immediately associates that with his son. The son that died protecting this country and its citizens. He has an emotional attachment to the flag, the song and an ideal of this country. Are his feelings valid? Of course they are.

Both of these individuals are emotionally invested. There is clearly nothing wrong with emotions. The issue arises when our emotions overtake our common sense. If person A begins calling all cops pigs and that they all deserve to die and person B begins denying that there is racial injustice in this country and that they just need to ‘get over it’.. that is where the problems begin. No one, regardless of where you fall on this discussion, has a right to tell someone that their feelings are not valid. We do not get to tell someone that what we experienced is worse than what they experienced. The ironic thing about this is that both of these men have so much in common, yet they can’t seem to walk in the others shoes.

Another issue is we like to speak for everyone to prove our personal point. Newsflash: not all blacks agree with kneeling. Not all whites disagree with it. Some cops agree, some don’t. Some veterans agree and some don’t. What does that tell you? At the end of the day all of these people that we like to put into groups are actually individual people with their own thoughts, opinions and perceptions. So when you find yourself speaking for a group of people, try to stop yourself. If your concern is that no kneeling should happen during the anthem because it’s offensive to veterans, stop and think about what I mentioned above. You can’t speak for all veterans because they have their own individual opinions. Just admit that it is YOUR opinion and you are bothered by it. Lets all stop being so sanctimonious about it and just admit that WE have a problem with it because WE have an emotional attachment to the issue. On the flip side, if you think that all black people should agree with kneeling, you need to admit to yourself that YOU are emotionally invested in issues of racism and that is YOUR issue, not theirs. Some black people do not process things the way that you do or maybe they have never experienced racism the way you have.

The biggest problem that I see in this country is the inability to reach across the aisle and see another’s perspective. I have gotten in many heated debates over this exact issue. Everyone is on their own personal growth journey in this life. We all reach wisdom at different ages. When someone is ready to reach a level of enlightenment they will, and not a minute sooner. I made a personal decision that I will not be engaging in anymore discussions on any issue unless I know the person I am speaking with can meet me in the middle. I no longer have the desire to talk to brick walls or unintentionally cause damage to relationships that I care deeply about. I know exactly who in my life I can have these conversations with and who I cannot. I also choose not to debate strangers because I do not know them or how they will react.. so I choose not to go there. The only thing I am responsible for is myself. I am no longer interested in trying to make anyone understand. People understand on their own terms and in their own time.

What would be best for all of us is to learn how to look at these situations objectively. Take your emotions and attachments out of it and see it for what it is. In the kneeling situation, athletes have a right to protest peacefully. It is protected under the law. It doesn’t matter whether you agree with that or not, it is the law.. that is what separates us from a Fascist state. Also, racial injustice does exist. On the other hand, just because you are black and you’ve had a bad experience with Police, it doesn’t mean that you should group them all as evil and try to have them harmed. There are wonderful cops out there who do wonderful things in their community. They truly know the meaning of ‘protect and serve’. Both of these far left and right extremes is what causes so much division between us. 

I’d like to challenge everyone to really consider what you are choosing to invest your time in. If you know a person is not ready to meet you in the middle of any debate, choose to avoid the discussion altogether. If you are passionate about something and know that the other person is not ready to receive the other side of reality, leave it be. We are not responsible for other people’s journeys, only our own. Lets stop being a part of the problem and start being a part of the solution. Learn how to love each other more because all we really want is to be understood.

Toxic Relationships

Last week, Mac Miller was pronounced dead via overdose. Immediately people started looking on where to place blame. The first target: Ariana Grande. If you don't know, Ariana was Mac Miller's ex-girlfriend. They dated for two years and ultimately the relationship ended over his drug use and the behavior that came with it. So I found it disturbing that anyone would blame Ariana for his death. This comes months after he crashed  his car and was charged with a DUI. People immediately blamed her for that as well because she had broken up with him just before. Ariana responded directly by saying the following:

“I am not a babysitter or a mother and no woman should feel that they need to be. I have cared for him and tried to support his sobriety & prayed for his balance for years (and always will of course) but shaming / blaming women for a man’s inability to keep his s— together is a very major problem.”

I could not agree more with her statement. A relationship to me is the meeting and conjoining of two souls. Two souls that are on the same path in life. It means that we are each a whole, healthy person and that together we make each other even better. It was clear that Mac Miller & Ariana Grande were heading in two completely different directions. 

Exactly how long must one tolerate another because they love them? How many chances does one person get to change their bad habits? I understand that drug use is a serious matter and it controls every aspect of a persons life. Still, I am tired of people expecting you to stay in a relationship with someone who is dragging you down every day. I have no doubt that Mac Miller was an awesome son, friend, etc. but his drug use took priority over his relationship (not to mention is own well-being) and ultimately, he made the decision where the relationship was headed. This is often where the biggest conflict is in leaving a relationship like this.. you see the amazing person someone is when they are sober and being their best selves, but the intoxicated version of them over powers any good they have. I believe this is why it's so hard to leave someone with an addiction.. it's the potential you see, not the actual broken person in front of you. 

In the end, it is simply no ones place to get you out of your hole. Whether it's drugs, alcohol, cheating, gambling, whatever it is.. at the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself and no one has to tolerate your behavior. I've been in two relationships where the person had an addiction and let me tell you, that came at a cost to me and lots of other people in their lives. People who haven't been in that type of relationship have no idea what it's like. If you love yourself and value your future and your time, you won't tolerate it for very long. 

It was said that Millers friends and family knew not to bring up Grande because it was still a touchy subject for him and that he probably overdosed because he will still heartbroken. Honestly, that is a very sad and horrible situation. I hate that he didn't value himself enough to get help, but this is not Grande's fault. She did her part and he simply failed to step up and better himself and the situation. It's one of those situation that we have to look at objectively without getting overly emotional because it is what it is. He had all the money in the world to get the help he needed and he chose not to. So maybe in the end, this was always going to be the outcome whether she was there or not. 

My concern with stories like this are the teenage girls watching it. Lets teach them that it is okay to leave toxic relationships and that just because you do doesn't make you a "bitch" or unloving/uncaring. It is always okay to love someone with your whole heart, even through all of their flaws (since we all have them!). Sometimes though, the flaws are dangerous.. you have to love them from afar and ALWAYS love yourself just a little bit more.. that's how you will keep the toxicity out of your life and make sure that you are surrounded by healthy relationships. 

IT'S ME by Jacqueline Grieve

Hey, you guys, don't feel guilty,
It was just my time to go.
I can see you're all feeling sad,
I can see the tears still flow.

My life's journey ended early,
The path I chose was short.
You all tried your best to change it,
But in the end it was for me to sort.

I know I caused you sadness,
I know I caused you pain,
But I was captured by these demons,
They wouldn't set me free again.

They took away my freedom,
They took away my choice,
And when they got their hooks in,
You could hear it in my voice.

There were times I tried to fight them,
There was a time I nearly won,
But they came back and overpowered me,
I had nowhere left to run.

I haven't really left you guys, 
I am closer than you know,
I will be the whisper in the wind,
I will be everywhere you go.

One day you will all forgive me
One day you will understand
And when your time on earth is done
I will be waiting to take your hand.

Source: https://www.familyfriendpoems.com/poem/its-me-2  

Rest Easy Mac ❤

To My Future Son..

I always say my only wish for pregnancy is to have a healthy, happy child. Of course that is true but honestly, I'm a bit biased. I secretly want my first to be a boy. If/when this happens, I have some advice for the little man.. 

1. Learn how to communicate. Never be afraid to express yourself and how you feel. Anger, fear, and sadness are perfectly normal emotions and you have every right to feel them. Life will be a lot easier for you when you learn how to communicate those emotions effectively. Many important relationships die from a lack of communication. Oh and it's OK to cry! 

2. Don't be intimidated by strong women. A woman birthed you and raised you, never forget that. A strong woman only goes well with a strong man. These two make a powerful couple and are unstoppable! Also, understand feminism and be a feminist. 

3. Respect women, always. Yes, ALL women. There are some women who will do/wear things that society says doesn't deserve respect, but they are WRONG. Treat those women with respect and it could change their whole life. You may be the only one that ever has <-- Remember that! 

4. Be thoughtful. Buy your partner flowers on a random day (or your mom!). If she's on her period, go buy her favorite ice cream. Plan a date all by yourself. Write her a sweet note and leave it somewhere for her to find. Compliment her on something. Don't be lazy in love. 

5. Find quality friends. Look for quality in your friendships, not quantity. Too many guys have been let down by their "friends" by forcing them to drink way too much, trying to encourage them to do things of a sexual nature, leading them off of a good path, etc. Find guy friends who will hold you to a higher standard. Remember: a guy who would encourage you to cheat on your partner, is not your friend.

6. Being a "nice guy" doesn't mean you're a good guy. Just because you lie to someone to avoid hurting their feelings in the moment, doesn't mean you're a good person. It just means that you don't have the balls to stand up and speak the truth. Be honest even if it hurts. Learn to be honest, but not rude. This will save you a lot of trouble in the long run. 

7. Know how to fight. I hope that you would never pick a fight, but if someone comes at you unjustly, you should always defend yourself. Finish them (this doesn't mean kill BTW). 

8. Know how to take care of yourself. I already know that if you ever come in to existence, you will probably be babied. I imagine I will spoil you to death, BUT it's critical that you know how to take care of yourself as you reach adulthood. Know how to cook at least 1 good meal, do your laundry, know how to work a dishwasher, and do basic maintenance checks on your vehicle. Not only will you need these skills to sustain you until you find a partner, you also want these skills so that you can contribute something to your marriage one day. 

9. No means no. If a girl says she doesn't want to do something with you, drop the subject. And don't make her feel guilty for saying no. Never pressure any female to do anything that they do not want to do. No one owes you sex. You are not entitled to it. On the flip side of this, if you are with a girl and she wants to do something and you don't, you don't have to. Just because you are a guy doesn't mean you should always want it, nor should you want to sleep with every girl that you encounter. You have every right to say no and you also have a right to standards. Women can be guilty of sexual assault as well. 

10. It's okay to fail. You are going to fail in life. There is nothing wrong with that. The only thing that would be wrong is if you didn't try at all. A real man gets up after he falls and carries on to his next plan. Never ever give up on your passions! Lessons learned in failing are often more useful than those we get when we succeed. 

11. Your sexuality is irrelevant. Do you like girls? Great. Do you like boys? That's great too. This doesn't make you less of a man or a person. You will never get any judgement from this corner. You are my child. I intentionally got pregnant with you, I birthed you, and I have taken care of you. When I signed up for this parent thing, it wasn't with conditions. This relationship between you and I is unconditional. No matter what, I'm here for you. If you realize that you prefer boys over girls, I will support you. Your happiness is my top priority. If there is anyone in our lives who disrespects you or your preferences, we just won't be around them anymore.

12. Learn empathy. A lot of men are callous and uncaring, don't be one of these people. You need to understand that there are a lot of people in this world who are starving, dying of diseases, under dictatorial governments, etc. There are many people in this world and just down the street from you who need your help. The way you see and experience the world is not how others see and experience it. Don't be a stain on society, bring others up. Also, you never know when one day it might be you on the other side. 

13. Education is everything. Make school your top priority. Read constantly. Never stop expanding your mind. The more you read, the more the world is open to you. 

14. Travel. A lot. Hopefully I will be able to take you places throughout your childhood. Still, there will be so many places left to see. Plus, traveling as an adult is much better because YOU can decide on the itinerary. Traveling will cause you to look outside of yourself and realize that life is fragile and people are pretty much all the same. This helps you develop more empathy and compassion, thus making you a better person. 

15. Question everything. Just because someone tells you it's true, doesn't make it so. Research everything and come to your own conclusion. You have a right to your opinions, but make sure they are backed up with facts. Don't look like a fool. 

16. Understand sex, her body, and your body. This may be strange advice (this paragraph may get weird), but trust me, it will be useful in the future. Once a month women bleed, get over it. Understand that she may need you to run to the store and get tampons, do it willfully. Understand that cramps are painful and that periods cause mood swings. Understand how sperm impregnates a woman. Understand that women ovulate only on certain days each month. Understand what makes a woman satisfied sexually. Understand what makes you satisfied sexually. Sex isn't only about getting your rocks off. Learn how to please her as well. Understand that there is a thing called prostate cancer. Get yourself checked regularly. 

17. Never ever put your hands on a woman. The top reason abusers have for hitting a woman is "she made me angry" or "she did this, she did that.." There's no excuse for it. You are bigger than her and have more power, the fight is not fair. You and only you are responsible for your actions. If you can't handle it, remove yourself from the situation. Walk out of the room, the house, whatever. Don't let anyone or anything cause you to stoop that low. 

18. Have females in your life that are just friends. This is super important. Be friends with females with no sexual expectations or involvement. Even though you are being raised by a feminist, you could still stand to learn some things from other females your own age. These women will share their boy troubles with you and in those stories you may find pieces of yourself. Learn from these stories. Female friends can teach you how to treat a woman, treasure a woman, and keep a woman. They will also keep you in check. Trust me on this. 

19. Try to avoid hook-ups, BUT if you decide to go forth, take this advice: Be upfront in your intentions. Do you have feelings for this girl? Do you see a future? Do you plan on never talking to her again? Make yourself clear before you have sex what your intentions are. Believe it or not, there are girls out there who will have sex with a guy even if she knows he may never call her again. She may not even like you like that, she just wants sex. At least you two are on the same page. This saves you from a lot of drama later on. WEAR A CONDOM. Always. Do not ever under any circumstances believe a girl when she says she's on birth control. She may be, but that doesn't mean she is taking them properly. I assure you that if you get a girl pregnant, you will be taking responsibility for the baby and I will make your life hell if you do not :-)

20. When you decide you have found the girl you wish to marry, remember these things: never ever take her for granted, marriage is not 50/50.. it is 100/100, do something each day to show her that you love her, don't put useless things above her (cell phone, social media, work, friends, sports, etc), pick up after yourself, treat her as your best friend, always be faithful and loyal, maintain your own identity, make love as often as possible, buy her a random gift, the silent treatment IS manipulation, set aside 1 day every week for just the two of you (never stop dating!), admit when you are wrong, once you let something go..never bring it up again, respect her family and build relationships with them, your marriage comes before the children (if mom and dad aren't okay, they cannot parent effectively!), and most importantly.. listen and be there for her! Of course I hope that you get all of this in return. Everyday, both of you should wake up and say "what can I do today to make ____ happy?" When you do this, love will always see you through the hard times!

The following advice is practical and slightly biased: always keep up with new technology, always keep your nails clean, your hairstyle IS important, be polite, play an instrument, don't stare at women, always have a backup plan, shower daily, do not send dick pics, have a good attitude, play video games and TV sparingly, learn how to accept rejection, own at least 1 tailored suit, get involved in politics and community outreach, learn a new language, rescue any animal that needs your help, learn how to appreciate and understand art, never wear cargo shorts, keep your eyebrows in check, learn how to dance, only wear designer underwear, see what you look like with facial hair and accept when it doesn't work, laugh, know your limits, find a mentor, don't let your favorite sports teams loss enrage you more than poverty, farts and burps are for private time, put the seat down, pickup after yourself, and most importantly.. take care of your yourself! 

I Asked 40 People About Marriage and This Is What I Learned..

I find marriage to be fascinating. Think of how crazy it is to meet a random person, decide you like them more than anyone else, and live your entire life with them. Marriage has gotten a bad wrap lately, with over 50% of them ending in divorce. When you get down to the bare facts, marriage is really just a piece of paper and a set of rings. What truly makes the union is the two people involved and how they choose to treat each other. I decided to "interview" 40 people and get their #1 piece of advice on marriage for those who have yet to walk in those shoes. These people are either currently married, divorced, remarried.. Happy couples and not-so-happy couples.. Some have been married for a year, others have been married 30+ years. 

Some of you might be thinking.. why should I take advice from a divorced person? Because people who are divorced have the benefit of hindsight! 

Here are their answers..

"Find a person that you want to be with and jump in with growth and compromise. You grow together and create the marriage that you want."

"My answer is to understand that marriage is a lot of work. Neither person is perfect. It will take a great deal of effort on both parties part. I think a lot of people are in love with the idea of marriage, but are not willing to put the effort in."

"If you want to be married, just have a wedding and hand her a ring. If you want to be happily married get comfortable with being uncomfortable. There will be stages in your courtship and different stages of life that will continue to happen/change when you are married. Get comfortable with changes. Love your spouse as much as you do yourself. Treat your spouse with the respect you want for yourself. Make sure you comfort their "fear zones", so if she needs financial security, always make sure you have something set up for a rainy day. If they are afraid of spiders - fight the spiders. A spouse can be treated a lot of different ways, but the best way to treat them is like a seed. Give them everything they need to grow and blossom and they will. Never go to bed angry, but always have make up sex. Enjoy the ride."

"Treat each other the way you would want to be treated. If you want respect, give it. If you want love, give love. If you make your spouse feel loved and valued, then you will get that in return. No one wants to be affectionate with the devil. You get what you give."

"Freaking communicate. Give each other compliments. Touch each other, even if it's just a hand on the back when you walk past."

"Never stop dating. Always, always make sure to make time for each other. Not just having sex, either. Actual conversations and time spent alone together are important. Don't get too comfortable. Just because you are married doesn't mean the work you put into the relationship stops. Never hold the other person back from what they want to do. If the other person wants to diet, work out, go to church, join some kind of group, etc. don't hold them back, even if it's something you don't want to participate in. You should definitely make some sacrifices and take part in your partners interests, but not all of them.They need a life outside of you, just as much as you need a life outside of them. If you can't trust them, you should never have married them. Boundaries should be discussed, of course, but no one should be held prisoner in a marriage. Again, open and honest communication about any and everything is very important."

"If you put GOD first in your marriage then all other things will work out."

"I would say the most important thing in a marriage is to have good problem-solving skills and to be able to work together to find solutions to your problems."

"My #1 piece of advice would be to put each other first always and work together as a team, but also have roles as an individual so neither is overloaded. Need to look forward not back and trust one another. Oh..and joint bank accounts lol marriage is a mutual commitment. The 'me' mentality should be out the window as soon as the ring goes on. It's not about me anymore. From that point on it's us, we, and our."

"I'd say three things - 1. Take divorce out of your vocabulary. It doesn't exist. It isn't an option. With the "easy" button removed, you have the drive to work through issues. 2. Love isn't what you see on television. I think that is what kills a lot of marriages - the lack of expectation management. People assume that they will always "feel" the love. That there will be butterflies every time their significant other walks in the room. That isn't real life. Don't get me wrong, those moments still happen (even after 15+ years), but not like in the movies. Marriage is about choosing to do life with someone. That person (me) may get on her nerves a lot, but she puts up with the craziness. 3. Wait (wait, wait, wait) to have kids. You may think you know your SO the day you get married, but you don't. There are individual nuances and other things that you're going to learn over the first few years- adding children to that environment is going to exacerbate any problem ten-fold. We waited 7+ years before we had kids and that was the best decision for us. We traveled the world, spent time together, and got to know one another. The results of waiting can be seen any night of the week at our house- we're partners in this parenting thing. I know what she's thinking and she knows what I'm thinking. We know how each other are going to react to situations and know where our strengths and weaknesses are. That allows us to be better parents to our kids."

"Don't F it up. You can't control the other person, but you can choose what you do. Get rid of the drama and keep a level head."

"Never give up.. remove divorce from your vocabulary."

"Be honest and faithful. Love with all your heart. Marry your best friend.. make sure he is a mechanic so he can fix all your stuff for free!" 

"Advice I would give is.. be honest and trustworthy! Also, even though you may have had a bad day, never take it out on your husband/wife because they didn't do it to you. And lastly, be loving and understanding in all situations."

"Listen more than you talk. Compromise. It's not bowing down, it's giving 55% when they want 50%. Pride only gets in the way of progress and a much better life than you ever thought you'd have. The dying always say value the small moments and the time you have with people you love. You need to realize this while you are still loving and living!"

"Read and live by two books (in addition to my obvious recommendation - The Bible): Keep Your Love On, by Danny Silk; and Love and Respect, by Emmerson Eggerichs.. and remember always: your REAL enemy is satan- your real partner is your spouse.. never confuse the two!" 

"Ask the hard questions early on while dating. I believe it takes a lifetime to truly know someone, and even then, people change. However, the basic tenets of a person generally remain constant, so go ahead and dive into the deep, awkward conversations because those conversations will start to paint a picture of who that person truly is, how well he/she knows himself/herself, and whether or not he/she aligns with who you are at your core. I am not saying there will be no differences. You just need to be certain that the two of you will be able to reach compromises. At the end of the day, it is all about a lifelong intimacy built on constant communication and a solid foundation of trust."

"I think you have to love, accept, support, and forgive. No matter what! It's really simple, but also really difficult sometimes."

"Communication is the key to everything!"

"Communication is KEY. No seriously.. talk to each other about EVERYTHING no matter what. Make plans to do something together once every week or two. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, but make a plan, get out of the house, and do something together and enjoy it." 

"I would say don't settle if it's not like you want it before you get married. It will not get better once you do. Make sure you aren't marrying thinking you can change them. Once married, continue to date to keep the fires of the relationship burning, when you make the kids your entire focus and not each other your relationship is in danger. You started the family together.. honor it by taking time for each other."

"My #1 piece of advice is to be willing to lose yourself and join with your spouse as one, but still keep your identity. I think it was one of the things I struggled with the most when I was first married (15 years ago!!) And it wasn't about getting my way on all things or always being right. I didn't want to change who I was (my favorite gum flavor, taste in music, and bigger things like political views, etc) to carbon copy my spouse. But I didn't want the larger issues to mushroom into problems later- for example parenting styles- later down the road. It was hard for me. We were 29 and 32 when we married! We were both set in our ways. It wasn't "hard" to do, but it certainly wasn't "easy". It was something we both had to be aware of when tackling trivial things like radio stations for long road trips (I am not an 80's fan and he is ONLY an 80's music fan) to larger ones like differing parenting styles, if we ever plan to move away from Thomasville, etc."

"Make sure you take the time to really get to know the person. Spend "real" quality time with them. Be upfront on your expectations, realistic expectations, and don't waiver from them. Be willing to stand by them when things aren't humpty dory. It's not going to be all easy street, there will be hills. And most of all, laugh with one another."

"I believe it boils down to RESPECT. When you practice respect, you celebrate and appreciate who the other person is (assuming they are a good catch). Everyone brings unique traits. Respect allows each other to be different - where one is weak the other is strong. When you respect, you practice the golden rule. You don't do to them anything you would not want done to you. Respect values their dreams and ambitions and offers encouragement and support. Respect allows them to be the person God has destined them to be. Respect is not selfish, controlling and manipulative. Respect also protects. Respect dictates that both individually take an honest look at themselves and become the best person they can be - dealing with issues of their heart - recognizing that the other isn't designed to heal your hurts/emotions. Healing comes through hearing/knowing how God sees you - not the world." 

"I learned a lot from my 12 years of failed marriage. Well, I say failed because it ended in divorce and therefore others consider it a failure. Any experience that results in learning and self-improvement is not a failure to me though. Although we got along great and never fought, one thing was missing: there was no connection or communication. I did not long for him and he did not long for me. I know that sounds silly, but when you don't long for someone, you don't put them first. You become selfish and the other person doesn't matter as much as you do. Bitterness creeps in and before you know it you're miles apart in your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and life. When everyone else is gone and all you have left is a person you cannot relate to and have no connection with, then you'll quickly find yourself lonely in a crowded room. I've learned that it's so important to have a connection with your spouse. They need to be the person you turn to for everything, good and bad. You have to trust them with your inner thoughts and be trustworthy for them as well. A healthy marriage includes two people that consider the other in everything that they do. In word, thought, in action. When you put each other first, everything seems to fall into place. It won't be perfect, but perfection is not the goal. Every day will get better when you are connected and communicate. Every day you'll grow closer rather than farther apart like I did in my first marriage. Become best friends. Never stop longing for that person - to talk to them, see them, be intimate with them. You will find more joy than you knew was possible and be able to walk through any problem because you've built a foundation together."

"Make 100% sure that you know each other inside and out: strengths, weaknesses and all. A marriage is essentially a union of two compatible souls. Compatibility doesn't mean you are alike in every way, and it's the differences you share that make you stronger together. When single, you are the only person who is intensely aware of all your weaknesses and strengths. You have to constantly be on your guard, knowing that you have weaknesses that will limit your success. In a good marriage, you are looking out for your partner's best interests and they are looking out for yours. If you can keep this up, you don't even really have to watch your back, because your partner is watching it for you and vice versa. This is the #1 benefit of getting married. It's much easier to take care of someone else than it is to take care of yourself. When you are both intensely aware of the other partner's strengths and weaknesses, you have the mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship that makes you both better."

"I'd say the most important thing is to know that there is no such thing as 50/50. Sometimes it's going to be 40/60 and sometimes maybe 20/80 depending on who has what going on. I'd compare it to a tide. People have different needs at different times, and it effects what they can/can't give to their partner."

"Marriage is about commitment. After the warm fuzzies and the first love excitement are gone you have to commit to the everyday love for each other. Even when you think you don't like each other, you remember that you love each other."

"My wife and I have been married 25 years, this is just some of the stuff we have learned together. We are not perfect by no means but we are always a work in progress. Marriage is work, but when you find the right person it is a fun journey together. Not a day goes by that I have regrets about being married. 1. Never let the sun set on an argument. I have sat up all night to talk through an argument. 2. Understand men are headliners and women are fine printers in the way they communicate. Women want to tell you all about every detail of their day and we guys just give the highlights. We make time to give the whole day to each other. 3. Never use the word 'divorce', or 'I give up' in an argument. 4. Have set time apart to do things without each other. 5. Never take your spouse for granted. 6. Always be intentional about planning time together and don't let anything else interfere. 7. Marry the person that is your best friend."

"Through 10 years with my ex-husband and 3 with my current husband, the thing that I and both men had difficulty with, was showing and feeling love. So my advice for someone who wants to be married someday is this.. have your spouse take the love languages test (and you do the same!). Find out what you need to do to make them feel loved. Understand that how they feel love may not be "comfortable" for you to do. But when you love someone, you need to make sure they FEEL the love towards them. It will probably take some practice but it's 110% worth it. And if your spouse is not making YOU feel loved, GENTLY remind them what your love language is and give them ideas on what they could do to make you feel loved."

"Don't be afraid to try new things, like going places one of you like and not the other, it's all about 'ya'll', not you. Go somewhere together just to get out of the house, even if it's the next town or hike a trail close by. There's tons of things to do within an hours drive of most people."

"If I could give one piece of advice to someone getting married it would be to remember a marriage is always a work in progress and will always require work. I think when a couple has kids their focus goes elsewhere (the kids) and the longer you are married the easier it is to lose focus on each other. Sounds cliche' but "date nights" are important!"

"When you walk down the aisle together don't think it gets easier, it doesn't, it gets harder. Marriage is hard and sometimes ugly. You will see the very worst in someone. All the stuff they hide from everyone else like farts, bad breath, temper tantrums, etc.. you will be there for. Marriage isn't a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. You will also get to see them when they laugh so hard they cry and when they make weird snorting sounds while giggling. It's having someone have your back no matter what. It's the nights when you fall asleep in each others arms and you still feel like you will never have enough time together. Marriage is not beautiful but it is rewarding, because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend."

"Well I would have to say, it is definitely not an easy feat, but so worth it!"

"My one piece of advice is to make sure that you and your potential spouse are on the same spiritual paths. In our relationship with the recent loss of 2 children through miscarriages.. I think our faith kept us strong and grounded in our relationship. Our faith keeps us grounded and faithful to one another during long extended times away from each other. I feel like if you are not spiritually on the same page then that person isn't right for you and the marriage is ultimately doomed from the beginning." 

"The biggest piece of advice is simple - marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. All the heat between two people when they first fall for each other is great - but if you can't maintain a slow burn, then the fire will simply burn out. Learning how to pace yourself, to embrace the difficulties that will surely come as a simple part of the marathon, and understanding a warm bed of coals is far less likely to burn you than a raging bonfire - those are all musts."

"I would say, find someone who you feel could be your best friend. Someone who shares common interests with you and who you can be yourself around. Once you are married, communication is important, so having a best friend that is also your spouse is beneficial."

"The biggest piece of marriage advice I could give based upon the several years I've been married is to have grace and forgiveness with each other. No one is perfect, including your husband or wife. When things become difficult you cannot just abandon ship. The vows of "in good times and in bad" actually mean something. You owe it to yourselves and your marriage to be able to work through the tough times."

"Keep dating and keep pursuing the one you love. Buy her flowers and do the little things that you did in the beginning."

"Always make your relationship a top priority. It's easy to put it on the back burner or take it for granted when you have a career and/or kids. Not that those things aren't important, because they are. I've always heard that you should never stop "dating" your spouse and that is true. That may seem like easy or even silly advice, but when you have 4 kids and jobs, it's really easy to let it slip. My husband and I have been together 15 years, married for 10. We don't "go out" much but we do make it a priority to spend quality time together, just the two of us. Always keep your focus on being appreciative of each other. It doesn't matter how big or small, knowing that you are appreciated for things you do really makes a huge difference. Communication is key! I know that sounds so cliche, but it's true. Never be afraid to talk about anything and everything with each other. Some obvious pieces of advice are to always be respectful of each other, be honest, be compassionate, be supportive, etc. These are simple things that everyone knows, but they don't always do."

Each piece of advice that you read above comes from the heart. These are real experiences from real people who have lived it. They have been hurt or have even caused the pain themselves.. it's lessons learned. Don't take their words lightly. They have applied this wisdom to their marriages for a reason: because it works! Whether you are wanting to be married one day or marrying for the second time or even currently married.. we can all take heed to the advice given. 

It seems that the #1 suggestion most people gave is to treat the other the way you want to be treated. I'm aware that a lot of people (including myself) worry about "well, what if I give 110% and they give me nothing in return? What if there is an imbalance of give and take?" When you've been hurt in the past or taken advantage of, this is often a common concern. From everything I have learned from others and myself, the regret and pain of treating someone poorly is much worse than having regret on loving someone "too much". I have spoken with people who have deeply hurt their spouses and it is the kind of pain and regret that you don't want looming over you. I personally would rather know I put my all in, than to know I was the cause of the relationship failing. This is something to keep in mind if you find yourself having similar thoughts. Love relentlessly and always do the right thing!

Another thing that kept coming up in conversation is how love is a choice. You have to choose that person, day in and day out. Even when you don't like something they have done, you have to keep choosing them, over everything and everyone. This makes marriage all the more wonderful, that a person would keep choosing you no matter what. This is where the beauty of marriage lies.

I hope that you all enjoyed this post and got something useful out of it. I found it to be interesting and very eye-opening!!!

Again, a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone for taking the time to give me their advice and making this post come to life!! I enjoyed getting into more depth with some of you about your marriages and how you have made it work! 

"MOST RELATIONSHIPS FAIL BECAUSE COUPLES FIGHT WITH PRIDE MORE THAN THEY WORK WITH LOVE."