The last relationship that I was in ended in 2015. It did not end well. After being together for almost 4 years, I decided that I wanted out. The things that I had continually stressed that I needed, were not being met. By the time it seemed like he might be changing, it was too late. The damage was done.
Even though I knew I was making the right choice, that choice came with a lot of guilt. I felt horrible for doing that to him because I know how it feels to be in pain. I was also sad about the potential I thought we had and disappointed that we couldn't ever seem to achieve it.
Fast forward to the latter part of 2017. I posted a blog entry about my requirements for my future mate. Someone (who chose to remain anonymous) commented on the post and let me know exactly how they felt about me and what I did to my ex. This is what stemmed a conversation that I never thought I would have. I messaged him on Facebook to see if he knew anything about it. He said that he didn't, but that he agreed with me that it seemed like something a female would write and we also agreed on who it probably was. This initiated a much needed conversation for both of us. He assured me that I had nothing to feel guilty about and that he was not mad at me about what happened and he knew I made the decision that was best for me and that all he wanted was for me to be happy. I also apologized to him for my part in it, which was basically letting it go on that long. In hindsight, I should have ended it way earlier, years earlier. This only caused him to get more and more invested into us being together for the long haul.
Neither of us are 100% sure who that anonymous comment was from, but I am glad that they let their hatefulness and ignorance shine through. It caused me and my ex (who had a VERY rough breakup) find some true peace and closure. It felt like talking to an old friend and I know if I ever needed him (and vice versa), he would be there for me.
Breakups are never easy. It doesn't matter if you are the dumper or the dumpee, it is not without difficulty. It's amazing to take a step back, once your emotions are out of it, and see how different it could have been handled. It's also fascinating to see that in the end, it was probably best that you two didn't work out. Break ups cause major growth and self-reflection. One of those being the fact that I let the relationship go on for almost 4 years. I started seeing problems with him about 6 months in to our relationship. When I asked him to change and he didn't, that should have been my cue to leave. This is definitely something I will not be doing anymore. If a guy doesn't change his bad behavior after me asking him, I'm gone. This relationship made me realize that sometimes no matter how bad you want someone to do the right thing, they simply won't. Optimism is a great thing, except here. He informed me that because I did leave him, it caused him to become a better man. So was it all worth it? I guess so.
I encourage everyone to keep this in mind when you find yourself on either side of this situation. Try not to take everything that is said or done too personal. My ex said some things to me that I swore I would never forgive him for, but I did. I know he didn't mean them and in the moment, he was acting out of hurt and pain. I think most of us can sympathize with that. If you find yourself being dumped (whether by fault of your own or not), remember that lashing out will not help, neither will becoming depressed. Get your emotions out of it and evaluate what went wrong. The worst part of mistakes, is when you don't learn from them.
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