I find marriage to be fascinating. Think of how crazy it is to meet a random person, decide you like them more than anyone else, and live your entire life with them. Marriage has gotten a bad wrap lately, with over 50% of them ending in divorce. When you get down to the bare facts, marriage is really just a piece of paper and a set of rings. What truly makes the union is the two people involved and how they choose to treat each other. I decided to "interview" 40 people and get their #1 piece of advice on marriage for those who have yet to walk in those shoes. These people are either currently married, divorced, remarried.. Happy couples and not-so-happy couples.. Some have been married for a year, others have been married 30+ years.
Some of you might be thinking.. why should I take advice from a divorced person? Because people who are divorced have the benefit of hindsight!
Here are their answers..
"Find a person that you want to be with and jump in with growth and compromise. You grow together and create the marriage that you want."
"My answer is to understand that marriage is a lot of work. Neither person is perfect. It will take a great deal of effort on both parties part. I think a lot of people are in love with the idea of marriage, but are not willing to put the effort in."
"If you want to be married, just have a wedding and hand her a ring. If you want to be happily married get comfortable with being uncomfortable. There will be stages in your courtship and different stages of life that will continue to happen/change when you are married. Get comfortable with changes. Love your spouse as much as you do yourself. Treat your spouse with the respect you want for yourself. Make sure you comfort their "fear zones", so if she needs financial security, always make sure you have something set up for a rainy day. If they are afraid of spiders - fight the spiders. A spouse can be treated a lot of different ways, but the best way to treat them is like a seed. Give them everything they need to grow and blossom and they will. Never go to bed angry, but always have make up sex. Enjoy the ride."
"Treat each other the way you would want to be treated. If you want respect, give it. If you want love, give love. If you make your spouse feel loved and valued, then you will get that in return. No one wants to be affectionate with the devil. You get what you give."
"Freaking communicate. Give each other compliments. Touch each other, even if it's just a hand on the back when you walk past."
"Never stop dating. Always, always make sure to make time for each other. Not just having sex, either. Actual conversations and time spent alone together are important. Don't get too comfortable. Just because you are married doesn't mean the work you put into the relationship stops. Never hold the other person back from what they want to do. If the other person wants to diet, work out, go to church, join some kind of group, etc. don't hold them back, even if it's something you don't want to participate in. You should definitely make some sacrifices and take part in your partners interests, but not all of them.They need a life outside of you, just as much as you need a life outside of them. If you can't trust them, you should never have married them. Boundaries should be discussed, of course, but no one should be held prisoner in a marriage. Again, open and honest communication about any and everything is very important."
"If you put GOD first in your marriage then all other things will work out."
"I would say the most important thing in a marriage is to have good problem-solving skills and to be able to work together to find solutions to your problems."
"My #1 piece of advice would be to put each other first always and work together as a team, but also have roles as an individual so neither is overloaded. Need to look forward not back and trust one another. Oh..and joint bank accounts lol marriage is a mutual commitment. The 'me' mentality should be out the window as soon as the ring goes on. It's not about me anymore. From that point on it's us, we, and our."
"I'd say three things - 1. Take divorce out of your vocabulary. It doesn't exist. It isn't an option. With the "easy" button removed, you have the drive to work through issues. 2. Love isn't what you see on television. I think that is what kills a lot of marriages - the lack of expectation management. People assume that they will always "feel" the love. That there will be butterflies every time their significant other walks in the room. That isn't real life. Don't get me wrong, those moments still happen (even after 15+ years), but not like in the movies. Marriage is about choosing to do life with someone. That person (me) may get on her nerves a lot, but she puts up with the craziness. 3. Wait (wait, wait, wait) to have kids. You may think you know your SO the day you get married, but you don't. There are individual nuances and other things that you're going to learn over the first few years- adding children to that environment is going to exacerbate any problem ten-fold. We waited 7+ years before we had kids and that was the best decision for us. We traveled the world, spent time together, and got to know one another. The results of waiting can be seen any night of the week at our house- we're partners in this parenting thing. I know what she's thinking and she knows what I'm thinking. We know how each other are going to react to situations and know where our strengths and weaknesses are. That allows us to be better parents to our kids."
"Don't F it up. You can't control the other person, but you can choose what you do. Get rid of the drama and keep a level head."
"Never give up.. remove divorce from your vocabulary."
"Be honest and faithful. Love with all your heart. Marry your best friend.. make sure he is a mechanic so he can fix all your stuff for free!"
"Advice I would give is.. be honest and trustworthy! Also, even though you may have had a bad day, never take it out on your husband/wife because they didn't do it to you. And lastly, be loving and understanding in all situations."
"Listen more than you talk. Compromise. It's not bowing down, it's giving 55% when they want 50%. Pride only gets in the way of progress and a much better life than you ever thought you'd have. The dying always say value the small moments and the time you have with people you love. You need to realize this while you are still loving and living!"
"Read and live by two books (in addition to my obvious recommendation - The Bible): Keep Your Love On, by Danny Silk; and Love and Respect, by Emmerson Eggerichs.. and remember always: your REAL enemy is satan- your real partner is your spouse.. never confuse the two!"
"Ask the hard questions early on while dating. I believe it takes a lifetime to truly know someone, and even then, people change. However, the basic tenets of a person generally remain constant, so go ahead and dive into the deep, awkward conversations because those conversations will start to paint a picture of who that person truly is, how well he/she knows himself/herself, and whether or not he/she aligns with who you are at your core. I am not saying there will be no differences. You just need to be certain that the two of you will be able to reach compromises. At the end of the day, it is all about a lifelong intimacy built on constant communication and a solid foundation of trust."
"I think you have to love, accept, support, and forgive. No matter what! It's really simple, but also really difficult sometimes."
"Communication is the key to everything!"
"Communication is KEY. No seriously.. talk to each other about EVERYTHING no matter what. Make plans to do something together once every week or two. Doesn't have to be anything fancy, but make a plan, get out of the house, and do something together and enjoy it."
"I would say don't settle if it's not like you want it before you get married. It will not get better once you do. Make sure you aren't marrying thinking you can change them. Once married, continue to date to keep the fires of the relationship burning, when you make the kids your entire focus and not each other your relationship is in danger. You started the family together.. honor it by taking time for each other."
"My #1 piece of advice is to be willing to lose yourself and join with your spouse as one, but still keep your identity. I think it was one of the things I struggled with the most when I was first married (15 years ago!!) And it wasn't about getting my way on all things or always being right. I didn't want to change who I was (my favorite gum flavor, taste in music, and bigger things like political views, etc) to carbon copy my spouse. But I didn't want the larger issues to mushroom into problems later- for example parenting styles- later down the road. It was hard for me. We were 29 and 32 when we married! We were both set in our ways. It wasn't "hard" to do, but it certainly wasn't "easy". It was something we both had to be aware of when tackling trivial things like radio stations for long road trips (I am not an 80's fan and he is ONLY an 80's music fan) to larger ones like differing parenting styles, if we ever plan to move away from Thomasville, etc."
"Make sure you take the time to really get to know the person. Spend "real" quality time with them. Be upfront on your expectations, realistic expectations, and don't waiver from them. Be willing to stand by them when things aren't humpty dory. It's not going to be all easy street, there will be hills. And most of all, laugh with one another."
"I believe it boils down to RESPECT. When you practice respect, you celebrate and appreciate who the other person is (assuming they are a good catch). Everyone brings unique traits. Respect allows each other to be different - where one is weak the other is strong. When you respect, you practice the golden rule. You don't do to them anything you would not want done to you. Respect values their dreams and ambitions and offers encouragement and support. Respect allows them to be the person God has destined them to be. Respect is not selfish, controlling and manipulative. Respect also protects. Respect dictates that both individually take an honest look at themselves and become the best person they can be - dealing with issues of their heart - recognizing that the other isn't designed to heal your hurts/emotions. Healing comes through hearing/knowing how God sees you - not the world."
"I learned a lot from my 12 years of failed marriage. Well, I say failed because it ended in divorce and therefore others consider it a failure. Any experience that results in learning and self-improvement is not a failure to me though. Although we got along great and never fought, one thing was missing: there was no connection or communication. I did not long for him and he did not long for me. I know that sounds silly, but when you don't long for someone, you don't put them first. You become selfish and the other person doesn't matter as much as you do. Bitterness creeps in and before you know it you're miles apart in your thoughts, hopes, dreams, and life. When everyone else is gone and all you have left is a person you cannot relate to and have no connection with, then you'll quickly find yourself lonely in a crowded room. I've learned that it's so important to have a connection with your spouse. They need to be the person you turn to for everything, good and bad. You have to trust them with your inner thoughts and be trustworthy for them as well. A healthy marriage includes two people that consider the other in everything that they do. In word, thought, in action. When you put each other first, everything seems to fall into place. It won't be perfect, but perfection is not the goal. Every day will get better when you are connected and communicate. Every day you'll grow closer rather than farther apart like I did in my first marriage. Become best friends. Never stop longing for that person - to talk to them, see them, be intimate with them. You will find more joy than you knew was possible and be able to walk through any problem because you've built a foundation together."
"Make 100% sure that you know each other inside and out: strengths, weaknesses and all. A marriage is essentially a union of two compatible souls. Compatibility doesn't mean you are alike in every way, and it's the differences you share that make you stronger together. When single, you are the only person who is intensely aware of all your weaknesses and strengths. You have to constantly be on your guard, knowing that you have weaknesses that will limit your success. In a good marriage, you are looking out for your partner's best interests and they are looking out for yours. If you can keep this up, you don't even really have to watch your back, because your partner is watching it for you and vice versa. This is the #1 benefit of getting married. It's much easier to take care of someone else than it is to take care of yourself. When you are both intensely aware of the other partner's strengths and weaknesses, you have the mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship that makes you both better."
"I'd say the most important thing is to know that there is no such thing as 50/50. Sometimes it's going to be 40/60 and sometimes maybe 20/80 depending on who has what going on. I'd compare it to a tide. People have different needs at different times, and it effects what they can/can't give to their partner."
"Marriage is about commitment. After the warm fuzzies and the first love excitement are gone you have to commit to the everyday love for each other. Even when you think you don't like each other, you remember that you love each other."
"My wife and I have been married 25 years, this is just some of the stuff we have learned together. We are not perfect by no means but we are always a work in progress. Marriage is work, but when you find the right person it is a fun journey together. Not a day goes by that I have regrets about being married. 1. Never let the sun set on an argument. I have sat up all night to talk through an argument. 2. Understand men are headliners and women are fine printers in the way they communicate. Women want to tell you all about every detail of their day and we guys just give the highlights. We make time to give the whole day to each other. 3. Never use the word 'divorce', or 'I give up' in an argument. 4. Have set time apart to do things without each other. 5. Never take your spouse for granted. 6. Always be intentional about planning time together and don't let anything else interfere. 7. Marry the person that is your best friend."
"Through 10 years with my ex-husband and 3 with my current husband, the thing that I and both men had difficulty with, was showing and feeling love. So my advice for someone who wants to be married someday is this.. have your spouse take the love languages test (and you do the same!). Find out what you need to do to make them feel loved. Understand that how they feel love may not be "comfortable" for you to do. But when you love someone, you need to make sure they FEEL the love towards them. It will probably take some practice but it's 110% worth it. And if your spouse is not making YOU feel loved, GENTLY remind them what your love language is and give them ideas on what they could do to make you feel loved."
"Don't be afraid to try new things, like going places one of you like and not the other, it's all about 'ya'll', not you. Go somewhere together just to get out of the house, even if it's the next town or hike a trail close by. There's tons of things to do within an hours drive of most people."
"If I could give one piece of advice to someone getting married it would be to remember a marriage is always a work in progress and will always require work. I think when a couple has kids their focus goes elsewhere (the kids) and the longer you are married the easier it is to lose focus on each other. Sounds cliche' but "date nights" are important!"
"When you walk down the aisle together don't think it gets easier, it doesn't, it gets harder. Marriage is hard and sometimes ugly. You will see the very worst in someone. All the stuff they hide from everyone else like farts, bad breath, temper tantrums, etc.. you will be there for. Marriage isn't a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. You will also get to see them when they laugh so hard they cry and when they make weird snorting sounds while giggling. It's having someone have your back no matter what. It's the nights when you fall asleep in each others arms and you still feel like you will never have enough time together. Marriage is not beautiful but it is rewarding, because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend."
"Well I would have to say, it is definitely not an easy feat, but so worth it!"
"My one piece of advice is to make sure that you and your potential spouse are on the same spiritual paths. In our relationship with the recent loss of 2 children through miscarriages.. I think our faith kept us strong and grounded in our relationship. Our faith keeps us grounded and faithful to one another during long extended times away from each other. I feel like if you are not spiritually on the same page then that person isn't right for you and the marriage is ultimately doomed from the beginning."
"The biggest piece of advice is simple - marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. All the heat between two people when they first fall for each other is great - but if you can't maintain a slow burn, then the fire will simply burn out. Learning how to pace yourself, to embrace the difficulties that will surely come as a simple part of the marathon, and understanding a warm bed of coals is far less likely to burn you than a raging bonfire - those are all musts."
"I would say, find someone who you feel could be your best friend. Someone who shares common interests with you and who you can be yourself around. Once you are married, communication is important, so having a best friend that is also your spouse is beneficial."
"The biggest piece of marriage advice I could give based upon the several years I've been married is to have grace and forgiveness with each other. No one is perfect, including your husband or wife. When things become difficult you cannot just abandon ship. The vows of "in good times and in bad" actually mean something. You owe it to yourselves and your marriage to be able to work through the tough times."
"Keep dating and keep pursuing the one you love. Buy her flowers and do the little things that you did in the beginning."
"Always make your relationship a top priority. It's easy to put it on the back burner or take it for granted when you have a career and/or kids. Not that those things aren't important, because they are. I've always heard that you should never stop "dating" your spouse and that is true. That may seem like easy or even silly advice, but when you have 4 kids and jobs, it's really easy to let it slip. My husband and I have been together 15 years, married for 10. We don't "go out" much but we do make it a priority to spend quality time together, just the two of us. Always keep your focus on being appreciative of each other. It doesn't matter how big or small, knowing that you are appreciated for things you do really makes a huge difference. Communication is key! I know that sounds so cliche, but it's true. Never be afraid to talk about anything and everything with each other. Some obvious pieces of advice are to always be respectful of each other, be honest, be compassionate, be supportive, etc. These are simple things that everyone knows, but they don't always do."
Each piece of advice that you read above comes from the heart. These are real experiences from real people who have lived it. They have been hurt or have even caused the pain themselves.. it's lessons learned. Don't take their words lightly. They have applied this wisdom to their marriages for a reason: because it works! Whether you are wanting to be married one day or marrying for the second time or even currently married.. we can all take heed to the advice given.
It seems that the #1 suggestion most people gave is to treat the other the way you want to be treated. I'm aware that a lot of people (including myself) worry about "well, what if I give 110% and they give me nothing in return? What if there is an imbalance of give and take?" When you've been hurt in the past or taken advantage of, this is often a common concern. From everything I have learned from others and myself, the regret and pain of treating someone poorly is much worse than having regret on loving someone "too much". I have spoken with people who have deeply hurt their spouses and it is the kind of pain and regret that you don't want looming over you. I personally would rather know I put my all in, than to know I was the cause of the relationship failing. This is something to keep in mind if you find yourself having similar thoughts. Love relentlessly and always do the right thing!
Another thing that kept coming up in conversation is how love is a choice. You have to choose that person, day in and day out. Even when you don't like something they have done, you have to keep choosing them, over everything and everyone. This makes marriage all the more wonderful, that a person would keep choosing you no matter what. This is where the beauty of marriage lies.
I hope that you all enjoyed this post and got something useful out of it. I found it to be interesting and very eye-opening!!!
Again, a HUGE THANK YOU to everyone for taking the time to give me their advice and making this post come to life!! I enjoyed getting into more depth with some of you about your marriages and how you have made it work!
"MOST RELATIONSHIPS FAIL BECAUSE COUPLES FIGHT WITH PRIDE MORE THAN THEY WORK WITH LOVE."
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